Sometimes an idea comes to me that feels so right but that I realize, upon a moment’s reflection, isn’t right. And I say to myself: “This isn’t right, it’s anti-social and maybe not even a really good idea, and you’re really just a big freak for even thinking it.”
But then I publish it anyway.
This is one of those ideas. It’s called “The Curse of Melania” and it goes like this...
The Curse of Melania
How or why no one knows, but a biblical-grade curse has descended upon the cast and crew of the Melania Trump documentary “Melania,” who are dropping like flies.
The following is an abbreviated list of freak Melania-related tragedies reported to date:
- Brett Ratner the disgraced “Melania” director gorged himself to death on mangoes in Koh Samui after his parents stumbled upon the film in a strip mall in Sarasota, Florida.
- Hervé Pierre, Melania’s personal stylist, fell into a deep catatonia from which he periodically wakens screaming in mortal terror.
- Tony Neiman, the film’s composer, has lost his hearing.
- Editor Alex Márquez disappeared in a West LA Sam’s Club, and was later found on a nearby street corner unaware of who he was or where he lived. He later jumped off a bridge.
Other crew members are reporting similarly baffling syndromes. Here are a few of them.
“Ralph” (name withheld), who worked in post-production, told reporters he now identifies as the tennis superstar Vitus Gerulaitis and can’t log in to his LinkedIn account because of it.
“Mira,” a caterer, is plagued by morbid synaesthesia. When she sees a picture of her fiancé, for instance, she smells the color yellow.
Meanwhile, actor John Voight’s corpse (Make Hollywood Great Again!) was found in an empty movie theater in Wrench, Montana, three days after he expired at a personal screening of the movie. During the autopsy, a scarab beetle crawled out of Voight’s mouth.
The list goes on.
The curse hasn’t stopped elderly female viewers from places like Boris, Arizona, from flooding empty theaters throughout the Southwest and beyond in support of Flotius [sic].
It just isn’t fair. Mike Judge never had this kind of support from delusional conservatives when “Idiocracy” hit the theaters twenty years ago. And he’d made a whole movie about them.